Lonliness prevails, sigh....

Life...mine has seemed to be on hold for many moons. On hold, bound with shackles and chains of my own hands. I got a divorce 10 years ago, and seems like I have been numb ever since. Actually, I was numb prior to signing on the dotted line, but it's been a basic blur since. I've struggled immensly to raise my darling daughters alone. I've fretted over finances etc. It's been a scary, lonely existence indeed. I have attempted to date, failed miserably. It occurred to me the other day that maybe I'm not emotionally available anymore. Maybe my soul is dead. Maybe the never-ending lonely days and nights have robbed the fertility of my soul. I don't even know where to begin to fix it. I think I have been broken longer than not.

My life has been shrouded by heartbreak and failure. Failure to cultivate relationships. Failure to reach for day dreams to make them reality. Constantly wearing a blanket of self doubt and distrust, I have allowed myself to die inside. Years have been spent forging relationships that have fed me long enough to get through to the next day, but leaving me yearning for something more substantial.

Since I was a child, I think I have guarded my being against the ever present danger of abandonment. Seems everything and everyone I have ever loved has abandoned me in one way or another. My mother started leaving me before my first memories of her even existed. My earliest memories don't even incluse my beautiful mom, only my Grandma, her mother. My mom was too busy living her own life to remember that she had a child that needed her desperately. Dad was never there, emotionally, the Vietnam war took that ability from him. Physically, he left when I was 7. My Grandma Wanda was my rock, my confidant, I lived with her off and on, until a botched surgery took her too. See the trend?

So, how does one overcome the abandonment fear? How does one open up emotionally, to be able to give and recieve love?

As far as I can see, this is not a question that has any one answer. I find that my many friends and aquaintances view me as friendly, open, loving & fun to be around. So, why is it then, that I haunt my own thoughts in my hours of solitude? Why is it then, that I seem to sabbotage every intimate relationship before it even has the chance to come to fruition?

I think the answer lies somewhere in the depths of my irrational fears, the idea that if I put the brakes on before it starts, I am not allowing myself to be vulnerable enough to be hurt. But I know I need intimate relationships, I just need to stop overthinking everything and just allow the natural progression of connections to mature, instead of burying myself with doubt & fear.

Maybe I've yet to meet the person who can remove my walls, break through the layers of brick and mortar, to help me discover places in my being I have yet to explore. Maybe I spent so many years 'settling', that my subconscious mind is protecting me, with the expectation of some magical breakthrough when my eyes meet that of my soul-mate, if there is such a thing...

I guess, time will tell...maybe I will experience 'that' moment, maybe I won't. I just know that my soul is aching for affection, that kind that only a lover can give, that of which I have been deprived for many moons. So to whomever the cosmos have in mind for me, please hurry my love, I'm patiently waiting...