A journey? A goal? BOTH!

THIS I could so easily call HOME!

A journey, means different things to different people. Life in and of itself is one big journey, with it's ups and downs, ebb & flow. Although mostly content, I am at a crossroads in my journey. I have traveled many paths, no regrets. I try to remain positive and upbeat no matter what life tosses at me. A daydreamer by nature, my dreams are becoming more vivid, but feeling more unreachable in the same breath. To say the least, I am bored. Feeling stagnant. Stiffled by responsibility, deadlines and lonliness. Yeah, I have a decent job, wonderful kids, good health, and for those things I am completely greatful, so not complaining, I'm just bored. I look at where I am on this course called life right now, & I'm not so much happy about it, and also not exactly sure how to improve it either. I have said for a long time now, that when the girls are off to college and not dependant on me anymore, I am checking out, & it will happen. The plan changes from time to time, but one thing is constant, the need to feel free. Free from negativity. Free from corporate greed. Free to do as I wish, for once, without restrictions that the 'norm' puts upon me. Sometimes, I seriously fight the urge to just disappear, like my dad did, but I could nevr do that to my beautiful daughters. To shrug off the expectations of everyone else and live up to my own personal goals instead of trying to please everyone else. Doing so is killing my spirit, as it seems that my best is not up to par with the world around me and it's standards. I've come to realize that I'm never going to be rich, monetarily, and don't really want to be, money is evil, but also a neccesary part of everything. I have been single and independant for so long, and although it has it's rewards, it is a lonely existance. I have no one to share my dreams and plans with. No one there to share the good times and the dark ones, even just to have someone hug me tight in my darkest hour. I get bummed at the thought of feeling like this always. I have dreamt of strapping on a backpack and just going...or living out of a camper, hanging my mailbox wherever I run out of gas. Sometimes I wish that I had someone in my life that has the same type of dream, regardless of how impractical or crazy it may seem to everyone else, all the Jones'. Im tired of having to do everything according to what's fucking practical. Instead of just random ideas about making an escape from this concrete jungle and boredom, I have come up with an actual plan, of sorts. Although not for everyone, I don't think it's crazy to call a small sailboat home, to never be landlocked again. Well, since I don't do shit for fun anymore, and I'm totally over the going out getting drunk going to shows thing, maybe I should just get a second job and start financially planning my escape. My entire family laughs at me for my wild dreams, and honestly, I don't care anymore. I am tired of trying to live up to whatever everyone around me expects. I want to create my own destiny. For so long I have focused on the spinning world around me that it feels like I have no depth. I go to work, come home, do my domestic goddess duties, go to bed only to get up and do the same thing all over again. Throw in a few beers with friends once and a while, a concert here and there and that's it. Never have time or money to do anything that my soul yearns for to make me feel alive. I have always believed that we should live everyday like it's the last, it could be. Could I really say that I lived everyday that way and be glad that the day worked out as it did, not so much. Today is just like yesterday, like last week, last month and so on. BORING! That's what it is, and I know that I am the only one that can change it. Period. So what if I sold everything I own & bought a sailboat and lived in it in a slip somewhere. Even if I couldn't afford to sail it anywhere, it would be mine and ultimately I technically could go anywhere I wanted, and would actually have something to look forward to at least. So what if I took my sailboat as far as I could until the money ran out, only to put it in another slip, work some silly job to restock the kitty and then sail to the next place I run out of money. What the hell...I'm tired and broke here, at least I would be tired and broke somewhere I actually wanted to be. So what if I had to live off of canned sardines and crackers, it would be my choice. Not my circumstances and bullshit making my choices for me. Maybe by then, I would have met someone who would like to live a life with less restriction, less conformity. Maybe not...time will tell...this is a dream that I have 6 years to plan it to become my reality...