A journey? A goal? BOTH!

THIS I could so easily call HOME!

A journey, means different things to different people. Life in and of itself is one big journey, with it's ups and downs, ebb & flow. Although mostly content, I am at a crossroads in my journey. I have traveled many paths, no regrets. I try to remain positive and upbeat no matter what life tosses at me. A daydreamer by nature, my dreams are becoming more vivid, but feeling more unreachable in the same breath. To say the least, I am bored. Feeling stagnant. Stiffled by responsibility, deadlines and lonliness. Yeah, I have a decent job, wonderful kids, good health, and for those things I am completely greatful, so not complaining, I'm just bored. I look at where I am on this course called life right now, & I'm not so much happy about it, and also not exactly sure how to improve it either. I have said for a long time now, that when the girls are off to college and not dependant on me anymore, I am checking out, & it will happen. The plan changes from time to time, but one thing is constant, the need to feel free. Free from negativity. Free from corporate greed. Free to do as I wish, for once, without restrictions that the 'norm' puts upon me. Sometimes, I seriously fight the urge to just disappear, like my dad did, but I could nevr do that to my beautiful daughters. To shrug off the expectations of everyone else and live up to my own personal goals instead of trying to please everyone else. Doing so is killing my spirit, as it seems that my best is not up to par with the world around me and it's standards. I've come to realize that I'm never going to be rich, monetarily, and don't really want to be, money is evil, but also a neccesary part of everything. I have been single and independant for so long, and although it has it's rewards, it is a lonely existance. I have no one to share my dreams and plans with. No one there to share the good times and the dark ones, even just to have someone hug me tight in my darkest hour. I get bummed at the thought of feeling like this always. I have dreamt of strapping on a backpack and just going...or living out of a camper, hanging my mailbox wherever I run out of gas. Sometimes I wish that I had someone in my life that has the same type of dream, regardless of how impractical or crazy it may seem to everyone else, all the Jones'. Im tired of having to do everything according to what's fucking practical. Instead of just random ideas about making an escape from this concrete jungle and boredom, I have come up with an actual plan, of sorts. Although not for everyone, I don't think it's crazy to call a small sailboat home, to never be landlocked again. Well, since I don't do shit for fun anymore, and I'm totally over the going out getting drunk going to shows thing, maybe I should just get a second job and start financially planning my escape. My entire family laughs at me for my wild dreams, and honestly, I don't care anymore. I am tired of trying to live up to whatever everyone around me expects. I want to create my own destiny. For so long I have focused on the spinning world around me that it feels like I have no depth. I go to work, come home, do my domestic goddess duties, go to bed only to get up and do the same thing all over again. Throw in a few beers with friends once and a while, a concert here and there and that's it. Never have time or money to do anything that my soul yearns for to make me feel alive. I have always believed that we should live everyday like it's the last, it could be. Could I really say that I lived everyday that way and be glad that the day worked out as it did, not so much. Today is just like yesterday, like last week, last month and so on. BORING! That's what it is, and I know that I am the only one that can change it. Period. So what if I sold everything I own & bought a sailboat and lived in it in a slip somewhere. Even if I couldn't afford to sail it anywhere, it would be mine and ultimately I technically could go anywhere I wanted, and would actually have something to look forward to at least. So what if I took my sailboat as far as I could until the money ran out, only to put it in another slip, work some silly job to restock the kitty and then sail to the next place I run out of money. What the hell...I'm tired and broke here, at least I would be tired and broke somewhere I actually wanted to be. So what if I had to live off of canned sardines and crackers, it would be my choice. Not my circumstances and bullshit making my choices for me. Maybe by then, I would have met someone who would like to live a life with less restriction, less conformity. Maybe not...time will tell...this is a dream that I have 6 years to plan it to become my reality...

I Don't Care If The Grass Is Greener, I Just Want To See For Myself...

“…we are brainwashed by our economic system until we end up in a tomb beneath a pyramid of time payments, mortgages, preposterous gadgetry, and playthings that divert our attention from the sheer idiocy of the charade. The years thunder by. The dreams of youth grow dim where they lie caked in dust on the shelves of patience. Before we know it, the tomb is sealed.
Where, then, lies the answer? In choice.
Which shall it be: bankruptcy of purse or bankruptcy of life?” 
 Author Unknown    

             

Those who know me, who really know & love me, know that, I am not crazy, well, not any more insane than most, but I am different, ahem, special, hehe...I am finding that the quality in me that is most unusual is my desire, deep yearning for freedom. Ultimate freedom. Yeah, it would be wonderful to just pack up & disappear, no responsibility, no bills, but obviously this is not reality, for anyone, unless you have an unlimited trust fund or something. I'm not blind to such obligations, I have after all, been a single mom for over 10 years. Honestly, these years have been challenging, scary, lonesome, and rewarding all in the same breath. No matter what situation I find myself in with my little family, the one thing I always yearn for & never really, truly have is freedom. My life is dictated by the pressures of 'normal', hold a job, support the kids, give all my money away to sustain a meek existence, with nothing really to look forward to, except the next day, another mundane day. Money arrives in my hand after a long pay period stuck in a soul sucking office, only to go right to pay the bills, & leave me wanting more, not really more money, just leaves me feeling empty. Defeated, that I don't have money to take family vacations, or weekend getaways, nothing much really, there seems to never be extra, and we live pretty small, really. My days seemed to be filled with unlimited daydreams & wants rather than fulfilling experiences. I really need to be able to travel, desperately, & my soul feels the deep need to get out there & see the world, from all angles, not just through a book or the internet. I ramble to my closest friends about my dreams, my desires, to which they all kind of roll their eyes at, as they all think that it's all just a bunch of hooie. Well, I'm serious. I WILL live out my dreams, whether I have to hop a train, live full time in a tent...hell I don't care, really. I just want to be out there...fresh air & new sights, frequently gracing my existence. I often question myself, why am I so restless, so bored so quickly. Well, I am Sagittarius, & these attributes are a primary trait our my sign. Not that I'm saying I base my daily activities on this fact, but it is a strange coincidence. I also think, that I have inherited some of this nomadic nature to my dad, Criss Leroy Furman. Most of you have probably not heard 'our' story, & I will spare you the gory details, but, he & my mother divorced before i was even a year old. I had regular visits with him, & my little sister Lily (from a marriage after my mom). Then one day, when I was in the 2nd grade, he just disappeared, like into thin air disappeared. I had zero contact with him until I was 13 years old, of course by  then, he was a complete stranger, but I still loved him, as I do today, & I am thankful for the handful of times I have seen him since. He is deeply scarred by many unfortunate events in his life, the biggest being the most obvious, the Vietnam War. But, I am convinced that, he, like me, had this deep seeded need to roam, to see things previously unseen, to meet new people, taste new tastes, to just take it all in, from a new perspective all the time. Obviously, I can't just take off as he did, but I would be lying if I said that the thought had not crossed my mind, or that I haven't had to force myself to keep going the intended direction on the highway rather than veering off toward the mountains when my pocket is full of dough. I guess where I am going with this rambling note, is, someday, when I say that I'm outta here, or checking out, I really mean it...& I know that one of these days, in the not so distant future, it will happen for me...