A journey? A goal? BOTH!

THIS I could so easily call HOME!

A journey, means different things to different people. Life in and of itself is one big journey, with it's ups and downs, ebb & flow. Although mostly content, I am at a crossroads in my journey. I have traveled many paths, no regrets. I try to remain positive and upbeat no matter what life tosses at me. A daydreamer by nature, my dreams are becoming more vivid, but feeling more unreachable in the same breath. To say the least, I am bored. Feeling stagnant. Stiffled by responsibility, deadlines and lonliness. Yeah, I have a decent job, wonderful kids, good health, and for those things I am completely greatful, so not complaining, I'm just bored. I look at where I am on this course called life right now, & I'm not so much happy about it, and also not exactly sure how to improve it either. I have said for a long time now, that when the girls are off to college and not dependant on me anymore, I am checking out, & it will happen. The plan changes from time to time, but one thing is constant, the need to feel free. Free from negativity. Free from corporate greed. Free to do as I wish, for once, without restrictions that the 'norm' puts upon me. Sometimes, I seriously fight the urge to just disappear, like my dad did, but I could nevr do that to my beautiful daughters. To shrug off the expectations of everyone else and live up to my own personal goals instead of trying to please everyone else. Doing so is killing my spirit, as it seems that my best is not up to par with the world around me and it's standards. I've come to realize that I'm never going to be rich, monetarily, and don't really want to be, money is evil, but also a neccesary part of everything. I have been single and independant for so long, and although it has it's rewards, it is a lonely existance. I have no one to share my dreams and plans with. No one there to share the good times and the dark ones, even just to have someone hug me tight in my darkest hour. I get bummed at the thought of feeling like this always. I have dreamt of strapping on a backpack and just going...or living out of a camper, hanging my mailbox wherever I run out of gas. Sometimes I wish that I had someone in my life that has the same type of dream, regardless of how impractical or crazy it may seem to everyone else, all the Jones'. Im tired of having to do everything according to what's fucking practical. Instead of just random ideas about making an escape from this concrete jungle and boredom, I have come up with an actual plan, of sorts. Although not for everyone, I don't think it's crazy to call a small sailboat home, to never be landlocked again. Well, since I don't do shit for fun anymore, and I'm totally over the going out getting drunk going to shows thing, maybe I should just get a second job and start financially planning my escape. My entire family laughs at me for my wild dreams, and honestly, I don't care anymore. I am tired of trying to live up to whatever everyone around me expects. I want to create my own destiny. For so long I have focused on the spinning world around me that it feels like I have no depth. I go to work, come home, do my domestic goddess duties, go to bed only to get up and do the same thing all over again. Throw in a few beers with friends once and a while, a concert here and there and that's it. Never have time or money to do anything that my soul yearns for to make me feel alive. I have always believed that we should live everyday like it's the last, it could be. Could I really say that I lived everyday that way and be glad that the day worked out as it did, not so much. Today is just like yesterday, like last week, last month and so on. BORING! That's what it is, and I know that I am the only one that can change it. Period. So what if I sold everything I own & bought a sailboat and lived in it in a slip somewhere. Even if I couldn't afford to sail it anywhere, it would be mine and ultimately I technically could go anywhere I wanted, and would actually have something to look forward to at least. So what if I took my sailboat as far as I could until the money ran out, only to put it in another slip, work some silly job to restock the kitty and then sail to the next place I run out of money. What the hell...I'm tired and broke here, at least I would be tired and broke somewhere I actually wanted to be. So what if I had to live off of canned sardines and crackers, it would be my choice. Not my circumstances and bullshit making my choices for me. Maybe by then, I would have met someone who would like to live a life with less restriction, less conformity. Maybe not...time will tell...this is a dream that I have 6 years to plan it to become my reality...

“Pray to God, but row away from the rocks.” ~Hunter S. Thompson

“Pray to God, but row away from the rocks.”
― Hunter S. Thompson

Brilliant!

When asked about my spirituality, religious beliefs or the likes thereof, I'm sure that at first, I get that 'deer in a headlights' look on my face, but that is quickly replaced by my 'you really want me to tell ya' look. Religion is such a personal preference, and for me, I see it in a myriad of colors.While I have a profound respect for ALL religions of the world, I personally do not subscribe to any one of them, instead, I sort of incorporate many of the teachings into a hodgepodge philosophy that I try to adhere by always.

Ultimately, I am a realist, I believe in action & reaction, thus the Thompson quote. If praying to a God brings one comfort, for goodness sake, pray then! But eventually, that God is not going to save you from hitting the rocks that your boat is heading for, only you and your own actions can save you from such a crash. Placebo effect? YES! I think that it makes folks feel better to be able to pray to a higher being, to relieve anguish, to bring about hope. But, does it really change the course of actions already set into place? Probably not, well, more than likely not.

How can one religion think that it's 'book' is any more true than that of any other religion? Throughout history, cultures have created religion for comfort, and to answer questions that really can not be answered. It has brought about comfort to people in crisis. It has also brought about control through fear. Religion has also been responsible for more killing, in the name of any God, who in all religions, says that killing is wrong, but it's ok as long as it promotes converting more people to that particular religion? I'm sure that if there is a God, he or she did not have that attitude in mind when creating commandments or any doctrine.

Hypocracy also keeps me from subscribing to organized religion. Why is ok to 'sin' away and be forgiven for these sins by confessing to a man hidden behind a black curtain? Shouldn't one have not commited said sin in the first place? A person then either lives with the idea that they can do whatever they want, no matter how morally wrong, because they can in turn just pray it away, or live in a constant state of guilt and fear of being condemned to hell. A question that resides in my head is, if there is a heaven and hell, and the Christian God is all forgiving, then why the need for hell? If through prayer and retribution, you are forgiven, then why would this God send you to hell then?

I believe in Jesus. I believe he was a man who was mortal.. I believe he was a good, kind man, who spent his days helping those folks around him in need. Do I believe that he was created through immaculate conception, no. I believe he, through the years and through the words of biblical creationists, became nothing short of a fable, no different than Paul Bunyan or Johnny Appleseed. Do I believe that he was hung on a cross to die? Probably. But I do not believe that he rose from the dead to ascend to 'heaven'. Why? because science and common sense have since proven that it is not possible, period.

Ultimately, I have great respect for people of faith. I'm glad they they have some hope for a future after death, but for me, the question of what actually happens after death goes on unanswered, I mean, it's not like someone dies, and comes back a year later and says, "dude, you're not gonna believe this"...so, in the meantime, I will continue to live as I do, treating all creatures, human and otherwise, with respect, and as I would like to be treated, following the per say 'Golden Rule'. To quote the lyrics of a band, The Avett Brothers, "Me and God don't need no middle man", for I am the one who has to live with my decisions, and look into my own eyes in the mirror, and know, that I am a good person, even when no one else is looking...

I want to be in a relationship, but UGH, I despise dating!

Two words:  DATING SUCKS!

 

As much as I am ready to meet a life partner, I really, really dislike dating. I just don't understand the serial dating thing. For me, it is excruciating! From the beginning, the initial conversation over the phone, the nervewrecking 1st meeting, filled with either uncomfortable silences or incessant babbling, to the end and a goodbye, for me, is an anxiety ridden, sweaty palmed, stuttering, traumatic experience.

 

I'm really no good at it, period. I've even resorted to the dating websites, and let me tell you, these places are a trip! I've met some cool cats with no potential for a love connection. I've met some weirdo stalkers who were quite frankly, scary. And I've met some that, seemed interesting, but the lack no real chemistry, or my own scared scarred mind caused the potential relationship to fizzle before it began. Let me tell you about some of my experiences with the so-called dating websites.

 

The 1st guy that comes to mind, I'll call him Frank (like HE would ever be reading this, & I really don't give a shit if he did because I'm fixin' to tell you a true account of what happened, but I'll make up a name anyways, hehehe). Well, in his online profile, Frank was super cute (I'm really not that concerned with looks as I am with good personality traits, but cuteness is a bonus), he had a great smile yada yada. Well, one of the 1st lessons I learned about dating sites I learned from Frank...PEOPLE LIE when creating their profiles. He was nowhere close to the 5'9" he claimed (I am 5'3" and we were the same height), and he was totally bald, hence the hat in all of his pictures, but hey, I could care less about the hair on his head, nor his height, but I must say that I was, ahem, surprised. Well, we had lots of pretty cool phone conversations, and had met that one time for drinks. During our phonecalls, he had disclosed that a) he had lost his driver's license for getting too many DUI's, and b) he lived with his mother (RED FLAGS big time), but, being the openmindess dumbass I am, I excused these things as minor hinderances. So, I invited him to, hehe, have his mom drop him by my house, & we were going to my mom's house for dinner. Well, the entire thing was maddening, as he acted like a 6 week old puppy dog the whole time, even laying down, on the couch next to me at one point (remember, we are over at my mom's house), placing his head upon my lap and started making purrring noises. Well, my mom, who was sitting right there, had to leave the room to disguise her laughter at the expression of utter shock on my face apparently. Well, needless to say, there was NOT going to be a love connection with this fellow, so I let him crash on my couch (it was too late for his mom to come get him). Well, the next afternoon, I broke the news to him that I didn't see a future for us, and he sounded crushed, and asked if he could come by to get his 'things'...his THINGS????? What the fuck? In my bathroom, he had filled the empty bottom drawer with toilettries, and had stashed some clothes in a bag, behind my dresser! Really???? Frank is certifiably nuts!

 

Then, more recently, I met a guy, whose profile literally made me belly laugh outloud, and he was even smart enough to decipher my 'coded' email address in my profile (I'm too cheap to pay for the service, ha!). Well, we started exchanging text messages, he said he hated talking on the phone. He went on & on about how every girl he had attempted to date was crazy, or psycho, or just plain didn't 'get' him. Well, we met one evening for coffee, and to my surprise, he was actually pretty cool, good looking, but the sense of humor that oozed in his online profile, had somehow been replaced with a dry, I'm a smarty pants sarcasm that would rival that of any of the hipsters I know, to the point that it was pretty uncomfortable. At one point, he just matter-of-factly said, do you have any questions for me? Like this was some kind of friggin job interview or something. Well, a few days and several texting conversations had passed, when I started noticing a pattern. Turns out, this super smart, zombie-proofed man was actually an insecure, sniveling baby waiting for a mom to wipe the snot from his ego driven nose. He sent me a text wondering if I had decided that he wasn't good enough,  because it took me 15 minutes to respond to a text (like I can tell a client at work, 'hold on while I grab my phone and respond so as to not give this dude the impression that I don't want him'). Did I mention that clingy, needy men are really not attractive to me? I mean come on man, we hadn't even shared a kiss yet, why would he be acting so desperate...well, it became crystal clear that the madness that the prior ladies probably exhibited was probably nothing short of trying to dust a flake of a negative man child off their shoulder.

 

I hope I'm not giving the impression that I am some kind of royal bitch, because, really I'm not. I just want to love and to be loved, by someone that feels right. I want to find someone that I feel something magical with, like a primal gut reaction that feels natural. I know that perfection does not exist, but I know there is someone out there who is perfect for me, & me perfect for them. I want to be that old couple you see, walking hand in hand, that after 50+ years, that still enjoy each other's company & still have passion for each other. I want to be able to be silly, sad, happy, anxious, mad...whatever around, & know that they love me unconditionally, and I feel the same towards them. I don't want to have to babysit someone's ego, or be their mom, nor do I need someone around to tell me how the earth moves around the sun, I just want someone to experience life with, someone who is willing and able to come along with me on this journey.

 

I guess, if I could offer any advice, it would be...just be yourself! Really! Either there's a spark or there's not, you don't have to try to sell yourself, seriously, acting like a used carsalesman is cheesy and a major turnoff. Don't make yourself out to be someone you are not. What's the point of having a pseudo personality online or at the beginning of a relationship? Doncha think that eventually, the other person is going to see the real you  at some point, or do you plan to wear platform heels and pretend to be too cool for anyone to 'get' for the rest of your life? Don't expect a woman who has been single for over 10 years, or any woman in her right mind, to chomp at the bit to hop into a relationship without testing the water, and certainly don't go out looking for a partner in love with a vision of getting a new mom as part of the package, who will stroke your ego and make sure your clothes match. It makes you look you look desperate and immature to expect immediate responses, or demanding constant communication, I mean, can we at least have sex before you piss on my leg & claim your territory? And please, don't try to blame all failed relationships on the other person, it takes 2 to tango, and bagging on your exes with a potential partner makes you look like a real ass.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Lonliness prevails, sigh....

Life...mine has seemed to be on hold for many moons. On hold, bound with shackles and chains of my own hands. I got a divorce 10 years ago, and seems like I have been numb ever since. Actually, I was numb prior to signing on the dotted line, but it's been a basic blur since. I've struggled immensly to raise my darling daughters alone. I've fretted over finances etc. It's been a scary, lonely existence indeed. I have attempted to date, failed miserably. It occurred to me the other day that maybe I'm not emotionally available anymore. Maybe my soul is dead. Maybe the never-ending lonely days and nights have robbed the fertility of my soul. I don't even know where to begin to fix it. I think I have been broken longer than not.

My life has been shrouded by heartbreak and failure. Failure to cultivate relationships. Failure to reach for day dreams to make them reality. Constantly wearing a blanket of self doubt and distrust, I have allowed myself to die inside. Years have been spent forging relationships that have fed me long enough to get through to the next day, but leaving me yearning for something more substantial.

Since I was a child, I think I have guarded my being against the ever present danger of abandonment. Seems everything and everyone I have ever loved has abandoned me in one way or another. My mother started leaving me before my first memories of her even existed. My earliest memories don't even incluse my beautiful mom, only my Grandma, her mother. My mom was too busy living her own life to remember that she had a child that needed her desperately. Dad was never there, emotionally, the Vietnam war took that ability from him. Physically, he left when I was 7. My Grandma Wanda was my rock, my confidant, I lived with her off and on, until a botched surgery took her too. See the trend?

So, how does one overcome the abandonment fear? How does one open up emotionally, to be able to give and recieve love?

As far as I can see, this is not a question that has any one answer. I find that my many friends and aquaintances view me as friendly, open, loving & fun to be around. So, why is it then, that I haunt my own thoughts in my hours of solitude? Why is it then, that I seem to sabbotage every intimate relationship before it even has the chance to come to fruition?

I think the answer lies somewhere in the depths of my irrational fears, the idea that if I put the brakes on before it starts, I am not allowing myself to be vulnerable enough to be hurt. But I know I need intimate relationships, I just need to stop overthinking everything and just allow the natural progression of connections to mature, instead of burying myself with doubt & fear.

Maybe I've yet to meet the person who can remove my walls, break through the layers of brick and mortar, to help me discover places in my being I have yet to explore. Maybe I spent so many years 'settling', that my subconscious mind is protecting me, with the expectation of some magical breakthrough when my eyes meet that of my soul-mate, if there is such a thing...

I guess, time will tell...maybe I will experience 'that' moment, maybe I won't. I just know that my soul is aching for affection, that kind that only a lover can give, that of which I have been deprived for many moons. So to whomever the cosmos have in mind for me, please hurry my love, I'm patiently waiting...

I Don't Care If The Grass Is Greener, I Just Want To See For Myself...

“…we are brainwashed by our economic system until we end up in a tomb beneath a pyramid of time payments, mortgages, preposterous gadgetry, and playthings that divert our attention from the sheer idiocy of the charade. The years thunder by. The dreams of youth grow dim where they lie caked in dust on the shelves of patience. Before we know it, the tomb is sealed.
Where, then, lies the answer? In choice.
Which shall it be: bankruptcy of purse or bankruptcy of life?” 
 Author Unknown    

             

Those who know me, who really know & love me, know that, I am not crazy, well, not any more insane than most, but I am different, ahem, special, hehe...I am finding that the quality in me that is most unusual is my desire, deep yearning for freedom. Ultimate freedom. Yeah, it would be wonderful to just pack up & disappear, no responsibility, no bills, but obviously this is not reality, for anyone, unless you have an unlimited trust fund or something. I'm not blind to such obligations, I have after all, been a single mom for over 10 years. Honestly, these years have been challenging, scary, lonesome, and rewarding all in the same breath. No matter what situation I find myself in with my little family, the one thing I always yearn for & never really, truly have is freedom. My life is dictated by the pressures of 'normal', hold a job, support the kids, give all my money away to sustain a meek existence, with nothing really to look forward to, except the next day, another mundane day. Money arrives in my hand after a long pay period stuck in a soul sucking office, only to go right to pay the bills, & leave me wanting more, not really more money, just leaves me feeling empty. Defeated, that I don't have money to take family vacations, or weekend getaways, nothing much really, there seems to never be extra, and we live pretty small, really. My days seemed to be filled with unlimited daydreams & wants rather than fulfilling experiences. I really need to be able to travel, desperately, & my soul feels the deep need to get out there & see the world, from all angles, not just through a book or the internet. I ramble to my closest friends about my dreams, my desires, to which they all kind of roll their eyes at, as they all think that it's all just a bunch of hooie. Well, I'm serious. I WILL live out my dreams, whether I have to hop a train, live full time in a tent...hell I don't care, really. I just want to be out there...fresh air & new sights, frequently gracing my existence. I often question myself, why am I so restless, so bored so quickly. Well, I am Sagittarius, & these attributes are a primary trait our my sign. Not that I'm saying I base my daily activities on this fact, but it is a strange coincidence. I also think, that I have inherited some of this nomadic nature to my dad, Criss Leroy Furman. Most of you have probably not heard 'our' story, & I will spare you the gory details, but, he & my mother divorced before i was even a year old. I had regular visits with him, & my little sister Lily (from a marriage after my mom). Then one day, when I was in the 2nd grade, he just disappeared, like into thin air disappeared. I had zero contact with him until I was 13 years old, of course by  then, he was a complete stranger, but I still loved him, as I do today, & I am thankful for the handful of times I have seen him since. He is deeply scarred by many unfortunate events in his life, the biggest being the most obvious, the Vietnam War. But, I am convinced that, he, like me, had this deep seeded need to roam, to see things previously unseen, to meet new people, taste new tastes, to just take it all in, from a new perspective all the time. Obviously, I can't just take off as he did, but I would be lying if I said that the thought had not crossed my mind, or that I haven't had to force myself to keep going the intended direction on the highway rather than veering off toward the mountains when my pocket is full of dough. I guess where I am going with this rambling note, is, someday, when I say that I'm outta here, or checking out, I really mean it...& I know that one of these days, in the not so distant future, it will happen for me...